Grieving Daddy

12/24/19  I started reading a book this week about grieving mindfully.  First off, it taught me that grief is a natural human process and it's not just about death.  We grieve when we move, when our friend moves away, when we quit a job, any sort of loss or experience that changes our status quo or way of knowing.  For some reason, thinking about grief this way, doesn't make it such a huge, overwhelming, breath-taking burden.  And that's how it feels some days, some moments.  It's Christmas Eve.  We'll go to Mom and Dad's house and it will just be Mom.  Dad won't be there to open his annual giftcard to Theissens or Menards.  Dad won't be snuggled up in his blanket on the recliner or jumping out of it quickly to get a garbage bag and clean up the mess from the wrapping paper.  Dad won't be there to put away his socks and underwear from Mom right after he opens them. 

On Tuesday, December 3, I was just finishing up my last Guided Reading benchmark test with a kiddo when Mom text.  She had taken Dad to the hospital on Sunday morning with blood in his stool and urine.  Thanksgiving supper on Saturday night had been awful.  Mom said Dad had had an awful night Friday night and then text me frantically Saturday to come help her get him up off the floor, he had fallen when coming back from the bedroom bathroom.  I rushed right over and that was the first time I had seen how thin and frail Dad had become, I guess he was always covered with a blanket before.  He groaned when we lifted him up into bed and couldn't get comfortable.  He said he was in pain and apologized for being an inconvenience.  I laid in bed next to him until he fell asleep with his CPAP on.  I cried and after I knew he was a sleep, went out to the kitchen to talk to Mom.  I told her that she had to get help, either with an inhome nurse or getting him to a nursing home, both for his and her safety. I didn't know if he could get better, but I knew that Mom couldn't do this anymore and with as stubborn as Dad was, he would continue to hurt himself.  Then that night when our family, the grandkids, and Uncle Rick and Aunt Lauri came over Dad was a mess.  He was in pain and couldn't sit up very long.  He wouldn't eat, even a bite.  He wanted to be up in his recliner engaged with us, but he just couldn't.  Shannon and I got him to his wheelchair and eventually back into his bed.   The grandkids surrounded him and sobbed.  We somberly finished the meal and then played Wits and Wagers at the kitchen table.  We took turned going back into the bedroom to talk to dad, telling him about questions that reminded us of him and that he would have gotten right.  He never got out of bed the rest of the night. 

Then Sunday, Mom text to say that she was in the ER with Dad, Shannon had come over to help get Dad loaded up.  We were to wait until further instructions to come over.  We did and then about 5:00 that night Carter, Lanie and I went over.  They were worried he had had a stroke, but the tests showed no.  They were going to do some more testing and they started him on painkillers, fentynl.  I was relieved that he would not be in pain and told him what a good thing that was.  He talked a little, but was also kind of "out of it" because of the painkillers.  We eventually went home thinking we'd beat this episode too.  I went back Monday before dance class for an hour or so, he was tired, but still okay.  Then Tuesday.

Mom had been texting all day, mostly saying his tests weren't coming back good but the doctors kept saying his heart and lungs were strong.  At one point during the day they had decided he needed to go to ICCU for extra monitoring and care.  Then at about 2:45 Mom's text said that Dr. Rathe felt that we needed to come see Dad that night, things were going downhill and he wasn't sure how long we'd have him.  I talked to my admin saying I didn't know how things were going to go, but I might need Wednesday off.  Vicki had overheard me talking to Travis and immediately got to work finding me a sub.  Then she came in my room and made me get on my computer to take Wednesday off, as a family hospital day.  I'll never be able to repay her for that.  Matthew and I loaded the kids up about 4:30 and went to the hospital.  Steve dropped the cousins off so they were all there too.  Mostly we took turns being the ICCU room.  Dad seemed okay.  I laid in bed with him, held his hand, talked to him a little.  I had no idea the end was near.  Matthew took the kids home around 7 and I stayed with mom til about 10.  I even woke up, worked out, and did some schoolwork before heading back to the hospital about 11.